Revision - Short Film Proposal

Here I improved on my grammar in this extract by including a comma after 'unfortunately'. I then wanted to use a more professional word rather than 'body' so I then changed it to 'physique' which also specifies exactly what I am talking about rather than just a human body.

I often found spelling mistakes, a lack of commas and also a lack of formal words so therefore I fixed these mistakes. At the beginning sentence of the second screenshot, you can see that the first sentence does not make clear sense. I eventually changed the sentence to ''Some of the female majority of the audience may either feel offended that women could also be potential abusers in a relationship, or that men are completely incapable of becoming victims; that it is in their nature to be the dominant and abusive partner in the relationship.'' This sentence makes more sense as it does not break up in full stops and commas, I have given an expanded explanation of the subject. Such as using less formal words such as 'it' I made the sentence longer.

Presentation Opening Lines

Good morning, my name is Yasmin Ally and I am here to present you with my short film proposal that aims to help increase awareness of domestic abuse towards men. 

Did you know that one in six men are victims in an abusive relationship? 

The reason as to why I am presenting about domestic abuse towards men is that it is often unrecognized and mocked by others, therefore I aim to increase viewer's awareness and knowledge of some of the most subtle signs that someone they know could be a victim of domestic abuse and the serious affect it could have.  

Short Film Proposal

Short film proposal from yl98

Presentation Good & Bad Opening Ideas

Good introductions to a presentation:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mc1ckQGHpk

Why introduce yourself? Give a short detailed explanation about yourself.

Step 1: Give name and company

Step 2: Your value to people; what makes you unique and what can you do. (specialty & value)

Step 3: Who you can help. ‘’even if’’. Despite how bad the situation is; you are capable of helping it.

• Ask the audience questions/allow the audience to ask questions.
• Who are you?
• What is your topic?
• Why is it important?
• Start with relevant stories.
• Introduce yourself quickly.
• Explain how your topic can be useful to the audience and how they can benefit from listening.
• Show initiative.
• Give them issues to keep in mind.

Bad things/introductions to do in a presentation: 

- Divert from your objective.
- Lack enthusiasm when speaking.
- Drag the presentation out longer than you have to.
- Not being able to explain facts or unsure of what you are telling the audience.
- Talking too quietly.
- Talking too fast.
- Not giving the audience time to ask/respond to questions.
- Showing that you are unprepared.

Linguistic Register

A linguistic register is a range of language which is used for a particular purpose or in a particular setting. Linguistic register benefits the text in order for it to appear more professional and appropriate to the topic that is being discussed.This also helps the writer maintain their text to be formal as well as avoiding it becoming conversational.

My film might raise awareness about the conflict between men and women and how domestic abuse towards men can happen and the possible long term affects it has on men and also some reasons as to why men are not likely to report abuse than women. I want the audience feeling more aware and shocked that situations like this can happen towards men whether they are strong or not.

The continuous use of ‘’and’’ in the paragraph above makes the it become informal, as well as the repetitive use of informal language makes the paragraph appear to be conversational rather than professional. The paragraph also lacks punctuation which therefore makes the content become more difficult and incapable to read, as well as the lack of structure within the sentences; to give a broader explanation as to what point they are trying to express.   

My film will hopefully raise awareness towards the conflict between men and women and how domestic abuse against men can occur, the possible long term affects it has on men and also given reasons as to why men are less likely to report cases of domestic abuse than women. I would like the audience to become more aware and possibly shocked that situations like domestic abuse can happen towards men, despite their physique or status.