Revision - Short Film Proposal

Here I improved on my grammar in this extract by including a comma after 'unfortunately'. I then wanted to use a more professional word rather than 'body' so I then changed it to 'physique' which also specifies exactly what I am talking about rather than just a human body.

I often found spelling mistakes, a lack of commas and also a lack of formal words so therefore I fixed these mistakes. At the beginning sentence of the second screenshot, you can see that the first sentence does not make clear sense. I eventually changed the sentence to ''Some of the female majority of the audience may either feel offended that women could also be potential abusers in a relationship, or that men are completely incapable of becoming victims; that it is in their nature to be the dominant and abusive partner in the relationship.'' This sentence makes more sense as it does not break up in full stops and commas, I have given an expanded explanation of the subject. Such as using less formal words such as 'it' I made the sentence longer.